Agh, where have I been??

Hi there, it’s me, long time no see,

 

I’ve not been active for a long, long, long time- too long. I have been going through a pretty rough time recently and I just haven’t had the motivational energy to do anything. If you read my previous post I talked about my friends that I was with- haha see the past tense. So it was A, B, and C, right? A being the girl who was being utterly disrespectful, B and C who I was finally starting to trust again and then D, E and F my girls who have always been there for me and have never let me down, those are my true ones, the ones I know I can love and trust. Hence the word ‘trust’ being used as a huge word, trust is so powerful to me and really means a lot to me, without trust who would you tell your biggest problems too and who would you have to help you in your hardest times? I just gave up on it all, honestly, I gave up.

Ok so now it’s about eight months down the line, and since my last post, I have all of my blogmas from Christmas in my saved but I just never go round to posting them- I’m so sorry. Anyway, a lot has changed over this time, and when I say a lot, I really mean a lot. Ok, let’s go back to where I was before, it wasn’t the best of places. I was surrounding myself around the wrong person and was no having a good time. Now let’s skip to the end of that around mid-January was when things got pretty bad. A and I hadn’t talked at all she had sent me some pretty bad messages and I just couldn’t talk to her at all. so basically A is out of my life at this point. Now to B and C, B had done worse stuff to me and C was always nice around me but to be honest, I was closer to B. B acted younger than she should, a lot younger, like she was pretending she was a cat and so was C and no I am not one of those people but yeah they were not my usual sort of friends. I had been with them from the start of uni so I sort of just stuck with them,  B was a bitch so I found out, she sent me even worse messages would go talk to A about me all the time and say things about me or what’ve said that wasn’t true, She was in it for the drama. I have never disregarded anyone cause it’s wrong and you are just asking for karma so it’s better to keep your lips sealed.

Week on week. she would cause an argument and she was drifting herself away but at the same time pushing me out of it all. C didn’t do anything to stop it she just watched her bully me, so yeah she’s not in the wrong entirely but honestly you think she would’ve helped if she was a best friend, but she wasn’t she didn’t care at all for me, at all. Now a few weeks later she kept sending me messages and they were pretty bad, to the point she was telling me to leave and she didn’t want to have me in her life and she thinks I’ve ruined her life and all that jazz, bearing in mind I have severe depression and severe anxiety this was not good for my mental health, so yeah me=in a really, really, really bad place, now when this B had officially kicked me out of the group she didn’t stop, she carried on banging into me laughing at me and pointing, stupid stuff right? Yeah but the worse thing is C joined in a girl who I thought I could carry on a healthy friendship with, but yeah that ended. Keep it in mind that A ( a girl who was my best friend for the majority of my life) B and C ( not known long but trusted and had introduced A to them so we could all be good friends) had now become the three amigos, all of them were best friends. A wasn’t rude to me anymore but I still was upset with her after all of it but I just left it, I didn’t have much energy left to do anything. So now I’m literally alone, apart from of course D, E and F, D and E none of them were at my uni anyway but at this point, I shut myself down and went into that state of mind again, locked myself away from everything and everyone.

 

A few weeks later I started to hang with this group who were amazing and so, so, so kind to me, there is literally about 15 of us so we are a pretty big group. They changed my life around and I am so unbelievably grateful that I found them because I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them, honestly, I was pretty close to the end. So now I’m in a better state of mind than I ever was before, I finally accepted that I was ok with what had happened with B and C, they had left my life for the better, they actually did me a favour. So about four months ago, I realised that I had finally forgiven A, I wanted to clear things up and so I did and trust me it was the best decision I could’ve made and I am glad I did, and my life is looking the better, so I believe I do not have fake people in my life anymore, things have turned out for the best and yeah i’ve been through therapy, counselling and cbt to get here, but it was all worth it because my life had never looked better. I have new people in my life that I am grateful for and there was one person who helped me through it all the most, let’s call him G, now I wouldn’t have got here if it wasn’t for G, yeah I’d liked him that way for a few years but I thought it would never become anything, because one his ex is one of my best friends F and two one of my exes that I was with for about seven years was his best friend. yeah, complicated. G and I talked for about 10 hours on end, not doing anything and I felt so open with him and he felt so open with me,  we would talk every day and he meant the world to me, and about two months ago he asked me out and yeah we’ve been dating that long and I could not ask for anyone better, I am so happy where I am now and I know I would not be here if it wasn’t for the people that are around me today, so thank you for everything that has happened to me because i’ve learnt from it and overcame it to become a better person and the stronger person I am today.

Madison xx

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Fake People- Should we trust everyone?

I’ve been going through a hell of a lot recently. The closest people i ever knew who i thought i could really trust have disrespected me, and it’s not like a toddler disagreement, it has got way out of hand and i don’t even think i see her as my friend anymore. I wanted to write a blog on it today to express my view on who to trust and who to not trust. This doesn’t mean to start doubting your friends, this is just to prepare you for if something like it happens to you too.

I’ve known this girl for the majority of my life so you think she would be faithful. Wrong! She is a brain thief and manipulator, she will make you think that her way is the right way. I wish I could’ve gone back to it all and said to myself to stand up for me, tell her the truth of what i was feeling. This is why I’m writing this so for you as my audience understand that it is ok to be mad at someone and tell them in good manner why you felt this way and hopefully to sort it out. You don’t understand how much someone means to you until you lose them. However, i am not missing this person at all, i think it is better for me that she isn’t apart of my life i have other friends that are much more loyal who i’ve known even longer and they know me and they understand me. A lot of people don’t understand me, they just see a rock hard persona that is immune to pain but truly inside i am fragile and easily broken, i guess over the years, i’ve just learnt to hold back my emotions.

I guess i need to explain why i feel this way about it all. The girl i am no longer friends with we will call A and my other friends B and C. D, E and F are my life friends that i’ve pretty  much known since the day we were all born and the people i went with through nursery, primary school, high school, college and now University. I guess they are here for me through thick and thin and i am there for them too. I haven’t told them about this blog, i haven’t really told anyone about it. I quite like it as a way to connect with people all over the world without putting a face to our words. Anywaayyyyy… i’ve known A for 15 years of my life, so not the longest like my other friends but i still had known her a long time. I trusted her from the start, but nearer the end i started to doubt her, the things she were saying were honestly racist and homophobic, i didn’t want to be around someone like her, she’d make fun of anyone she could think of because i truly think she thought she was the prettiest, most talented women in the world which is obviously no the 100% truth. She had her moments were she could be an utterly horrible human or she could be such an honest women but for me if you’re going around behind people’s back mocking them and lying to get them on your side then i really do not want you to be apart of my life. Always look out for the obvious because this will prepare you for something like this.

A and me hadn’t really been getting along so well, we’d had the occasional argument where i always seemed to end up apologising for it all and then everything would be ok but after this i really was fed up of it all and i knew that if something happened again i honestly didn’t have the energy to let her back into my life again and watch her bring me down bit by bit. B and C are my new friends from Uni and i’ve known them for two years now so of course they aren’t the closest but they are people who i trust. Trust is a bigggg word and the dictionary definition is… ‘firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.’ Now for the past few months i really didn’t feel this way with A, she was literally driving me crazy and of course my stupid self didn’t say anything. From the beginning, I’d introduced B and C to A, as a friendly gesture to A, so she could know that she had me to fall back on, this was before she became her rude self. A decided that she would take my friends and make them think less of me, talk about me behind my back and make them want to be with her not me. I really was not good at being by myself so the majority of the time i found myself alone in lectures not saying a word or expressing my opinion or thoughts to anyone. For a long period of time B and C began to doubt me and i honestly nearly came out of Uni but fortunately D, E anf F conviced me that i was only letting her win and that i should stand up for myself. One day when she was trying to make fun of me, i’d really had enough and that’s when B and C saw the real her and took a step back to realise that she was out of order. That is whn i stood up for myself I really couldn’t handle it anymore and i just said to her that i’ve had enough, i’ve had enough of the way you treat me, i can’t handle your words always playing on my mind and with that i walked away in floods of tears. Maybe i overreacted a little but i hope some of you see that i’m not the sort of person who starts up a fight with anyone i am normally quite forgiving.

I blocked myself away for days and i stayed of social media in general, that is why i haven’t posted in about two weeks, it has taken me a long time to start to trust B and C again, but it won’t be the same for a long time but if i act like it is then i start to believe it, so i guess that helps a little. A has sent me disrespecting messages and overal now just ignores me. Truly i think i’m ok with that now it’s better that she isn’t there to hurt me more. I am very sorry i haven’t posted i just hope you understnad why i haven’t and understand my fustrtation recently. I really had a whole blogmas lined up for you but i guess that is a little too late, i may still post a couple. Below tell me what you want for Christmas and i hope you all have a great day!

Byeee,

Madison

Xx

My Christmas Playlist

IT’S DECEMBER!!!!!! I love Christmas, it’s better than any Birthday for sure. I don’t know why but when it’s my birthday, I get this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment as if i don’t deserve to have a birthday. Then, those 30 seconds of when someone sings you a song feels like hours and you don’t know what to do with yourself, you just stand their awkwardly smiling waiting for the song to end. Am i the only one that gets this? I really hope not…lol. Anyway, back to my Christmas playlist, i love music in general really, i just love the sound of people singing  in time to a tune. I hope i’m not the only one at that too! Ok, so Christmas is less than 20 days away now, maybe less for some of you guys around the world, but i cannot help but be excited, i know it sounds childish but it’s just so merry and jolly getting all your family around a table for a Christmas dinner, popping crackers that cost way too much for a little key ring and those paper hats that you knew you could get 100 of them from pound land, but that doesn’t matter because it’s just the feeling of it being Christmas that counts and those crackers make it Christmas.

In my traditional Christmas from when i was little, we would start  by waking up and having a casual breakfast like nothing really would be going on and then we would open our stockings and that would last us still about one ‘o’ clock pm. After this we would turn on some music, and play some christmas games, around an hour before dinner we would open our christmas gifts that were under the tree. Finally, we’d have our dinner which along with the music is one my highlights of christmas day. I’m so thankful my mum cooks a stunning turkey but i don’t think she passed the gene along to me nor my sister. I enjoyed Christmas not because of the  – although i don’t mind a couple XD- but it’s just that i really enjoy spending time with my family and just having a silly chilled day. It’s pretty much the same now but i suppose i’m not as excited as i used to be. I still love Christmas music though, I always have and I probably always will. I’m sorry but I’ve just realised I’ve been ranting on for quite a while now about something completely off topic, sorry guys. Anyway, the following list is my top 8 Christmas Playlist…. enjoy!

  1.  Santa Claus is coming to town- The Andrew Sisters – 1970                                                            This song just reminds me of when i was little and had my Christmas Choir with this song every year, by every year i mean 2 years, i was 6 and i had to do if i liked it or not. I think that still counts though XD
  2. White Christmas – Michael Bublé- 2003                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I have always wished for a white christmas and never had one, i mean our country literally flips if there is snow falling, it rarely ever snows here but when it  does everyone freaks out. I am sooooo hoping this year is a white Christmas, it doesn’t have to set just snow a little as I’ve never had one in my life. Comment below if you’ve had a white Christmas before and where about you were in the world.
  3. All i want for Christmas is you -Mariah Carey-1994

Mariah Carey overall just reminds me of Christmas, she is such a great singer and sings some of my favourite Christmas songs. Yet again this song reminds me of my choir days ;). Do you ever have a song that you listen to over and over and over again and you know that you will never get bored with it. Well this is my song, this is my song that i can listen to a million times and not get bored of it (also this includes somehow not being able to remember all the lyrics).

4. Last Christmas-Wham-1986

Alike Mariah Carey, you can’t go wrong with a little Wham, this song is also one i happen to listen to every year. I did not sing this in my choir though XD I do however listen to this song every Christmas day no matter what. As i said, you can never have too much Wham.

5.Santa Baby- Eartha Kitt- 1953

I absolutely love the tune of this song the groan in her voice is stunning and in my choir days i didn’t even try to attempt this. I actually don’t know why i keep going on about it like it was something professional, our whole school did it so i was not the only one. However, i have a funny story about when i was performing this on stage at a playhouse and they’d given me a lead solo- baring in mind i was 6 and sounded like someone was sitting on a cat- and when it came to the real thing, the music came on and i didn’t start singing, i just stopped and stared into the audience, my teacher started singing in the background but i just burst into tears, dropped the mike and ran off the stage, i didn’t get a solo from her again but i have had plenty more at my acting classes that did not go as badly. I do like this song though even after this experience.

6.  Do they know it’s christmas time- Band aid-2014

I specifically like this version as it included all my favourite artists during the time this came out. I remember so clearly me getting so worked up on this song coming out. I especially loved Dan Smith at the time and i still love Bastille today. Comment below or email me at madisonsblogs@yahoo.com what your favourite band is or your favourite 8.christmas song.

7. We wish you a merry Christmas- Celtic Woman-2012

Another choir song i did, we weren’t just some weird group that only did Christmas songs these are just the only ones i mentioned. This was a really cheesy song which we did lots of cringey  actions to, but i put it in the list because it always makes me smile when i think about it.

 

8. FOR THIS ONE, COMMENT BELOW WHAT YOUR FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG IS AND I WILL EDIT THIS AND ENTER YOUR NAME INTO IT, FIRST COME FIRST SERVE.

 

Thank you for reading my top 8 Christmas Playlist, comment below, like and follow me and if you want to email me, email me @ madisonsblogs@yahoo.com.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Xx

 

It’s December

Hellooooo,

It’s me again.

Now I thought it was necessary to explain a couple of things because in my first blog i wasn’t the best at clearly explaining what my blogs are. The whole point of this blog is going to be to not only share stories but to also have a bit of fun. I will be doing tags, questions and answers, top tips and advice and also from the 10th of December BLOGMAS!!!! I have decided to do it from the 10th just so i can get my blog rolling before we get into things too fast. I really want to make people smile, take people’s minds off things and to let people relax and see that things aren’t as bad as they could be.

I am online the majority of the day so if you ever need to talk to me comment below, or email me at madisonsblogs@yahoo.com. I will respond to everyone who emails, it doesn’t have to be anything deep or emotional you could email me just to say hi, but do feel free to email me about anything that you need to share confidentially.

 

Please comment, like and follow if you’re interested in my posts. Suggest some ideas down below of what I could do for my first Blogmas!

Bye for now,

Madison Xx

Get to know me.

Hi, I’m Madison.

I live in the U.K with my family and pet dog. I suppose

 

I don’t have the easiest life but definitely not the hardest life either. I have depression. I have anxiety. I have thoughts that will keep me awake through the night. I am different yet so similar ; not many people say anything. I’ve kept it inside of me, which is the worst way to deal with things. I let it get to me, i let it change me and who i am. I gave up. I needed to tell someone, i wanted someone to understand me but not judge me. I know so many people in the world-old and young are going through what I’m going through maybe 10 times easier or 10 times harder. I just want people to know that they’re not alone and if this helps 1 person to see that things get better, because trust me they do, then that would make me the happiest person ever. Continue reading “Get to know me.”

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